Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

       Ah yes, the much anticipated (?) fourth installment of the infamous "found-footage" films chronicling a demonic haunting.  In the first film, we met Katie and Micah, a young couple who begin experiencing bizarre phenomena.  Micah begins filming all the happenings (which seem to be attached to Katie), and challenges whatever seems to be causing them.  In this film, the creators really went for a Blair Witch-esque feel, naming their characters after the actors playing them.  This, I guess, adds to the authenticity of the the footage supposedly found and then exploited for profit.  Well, it ends up with Katie getting possessed, killing Micah, and then going to "whereabouts unknown."

        All-in-all not a bad scary flick.  The scares weren't too cheap and although the filming could be obnoxious at times, it did add to the realism.

        Film two served as a prequel.  Katie's sister's family begins experiencing weird shit so they install a series of extremely sophisticated security cameras.  Shit gets weird so their ethnic maid helps them to send the demon to mess with someone else.  In this case, Katie.  Apparently blood is not thicker than water with this family.  Well, Mr. Demon is barely phased by this expulsion and (as we saw in the first film) possesses Katie, heads back to her sister's house, murders the whole family, and steals their baby.

       For a sequel (created solely for capital gain) it wasn't awful.  It explained why the demon attached itself to Katie, and remained relatively creepy, although the scares varied little from the first film.

Symbol from Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

       In film three, we step back into the past even further and get to see Katie and Kristi as little kids living with their mother, her boyfriend, and his video cameras.  We see that the demon has come to haunt Kristi, and end up finding out that the girls' grandmother was involved in some sort of demon-worshiping cult who has promised the first born son to the demon.  Obviously no sons have been born, so Mr. Demon is pissed and haunting  people.  Also, this cult's symbol looks suspiciously like the the Deathly Hallows.  Hmm...

The Deathly Hallows.  Hmm...

       I wasn't really sold on this film.  The inclusion of the cult was interesting, although it did very little to explain it.  The last ten minutes or so were relatively intense, although the film left you with more questions than answers.  Good thing they made a fourth movie!!!  Not.

        If, like me, you are hoping to get some answers about why films 1-3 happened (other than grandma was a crazy bitch), prepare to be disappointed.  If you are hoping to go see a film that offers up genuine chills and creep-outs, prepare to be disappointed.  If you are hoping to see a film with a story that allows it to stand on its own, prepare to be disappointed.

"Hey LaRonda.  No, I'm at the movies but I can talk."

       When this film ended, my only thoughts were:  "I'm glad we only payed six bucks for tickets," and, "I really hate when certain movie-going ethnicities perpetuate stereotypes."  Despite the distractions from my fellow movie-goers, the movie did a fine job of failing all on its own.  Of course I use the term "failing" loosely, as this movie still managed to top the box office this weekend.  With a "whopping" $30.2 mil, it's still significantly below its estimated $44.5 mil budget.  Let's hope it's inevitable Netflix release will help close that budget gap.

Go, Danny, go!  The Shining (1980)

       Paranormal Activity 4 follows a new family.  A weird neighbor kid (we've all known those) starts hanging out at this family's house, and Alex, a pretty 15-year-old, thinks he's creepy as hell.  Too bad no one listens to her, and little Robbie moves in with the family after his "mom" goes to the hospital.  Robbie gets all buddy-buddy with Alex's little brother Wyatt, and weird stuff starts to happen.  The "scares" in this film are below sub-par, with the only hint of ingenuity coming in the form of filming the Xbox kinect sensor. With little green dots covering the room, the outline of a little kid can be seen.  This trick is repeated, adding no variety to the scares.

Oh, Robbie, and your f'ed up artwork!

       It turns out that Katie is Robbie's "mom" and that Robbie is trying to prepare Wyatt for his transformation into some sort of demon overlord or whatever.   Okaaaaay...  So why did Katie not keep Hunter/Wyatt the whole time?  Why did she let him be adopted by some random family, only to stalk that family, snap their necks, and use some unexplained Robbie kid to seduce him?  I mean, who the heck was Robbie?  To me it seemed as though he was simply there to pay homage to Danny Torrence a la The Shining (1980).  They even threw in a big wheel!  I mean, what kid rides those anymore?  Especially in the house?  Nice try though.  I'm sure Stephen King/Stanley Kubrick are honored. 

       Well, everyone besides Alex and Wyatt dies, and Alex stupidly runs across the street to Katie's house and runs head-on into a gaggle of witch bitches.  Some sort of CGI crap happens to Katie's face and she attacks Alex (who conveniently happens to be filming all of this on her iPhone instead of using it to call the police or as a flashlight).  Oh, did I mention that the rest of the footage collected is being recorded via Skype conversations?  Oh, the ingenuity!  Yeah, well, Alex dies I guess and the women/demon worshipers get to keep Wyatt/Hunter and turn him into another Danny Torrence possessed by who I can only assume is Tony.

Red Rum!

       The end.

       It's been a while since I've sat in my theatre seat for five minutes after a movie ended because I'm so flabbergast at the level of my disappointment.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect this movie to be anything particularly worthwhile, but my low expectations were met with even lower results.  The whole "have low expectations and you can't be disappointed" theory failed miserably in this instance.  Simply Amazing. 

       So, my goal here is to keep at least one person from spending money (and preferably their time) on this film.  Go see Sinister (2012) instead.

       Fin.

The Host (2013)

Oh my God!  The Host hasn’t been released yet?  You mean they’re just entering post-production?  Good, then hopefully that means there’s still time for me to prevent at least one poor soul from watching what is sure to be absolute rubbish.  “Oh, but you haven’t seen the movie!”  “But, it’s by Stephenie Meyer!”  “The book was amazing!”  These are some questions I’m anticipating, and I believe I have sufficient evidence to support the inevitable fact that this movie will be one of the most horrific things to infest theatres in 2013. 

Earwig things crawling in people's ears and possessing them?

  How original!

“Oh, but you haven’t seen the movie!”  No shit.  No one’s seen the movie.  They’re in post-production; therefore technically there is no movie yet.  They’ve gotta piece all their fabulous footage together and After Effect in some magic shit before 15-year-olds and their moms can devour this nonsense in theatres.  However, I have read the book.  Many, many years ago (five-ish I think) I was working at a chiropractic clinic part-time.  I’d have a lot of downtime, particularly in the summer, so with no homework I looked for a series of books to read.  Twas at that moment I discovered Twilight.  Oh, vampires and high school and depression!  I can totally relate to those things!  Well, my dumbed-down summer brain found that these books did an excellent job of passing long, empty office hours.  Now, now, don’t lose faith in me.  Once my brain regained full working order during the coming school year (and I saw the movie) I realized Twilight for what it was: a poorly written saga about one of the lamest people to ever (figuratively) exist.  I’m talking about Bella, of course.  Unfortunately, I made it through all the Twilight books before school started back, and was I need of some other written word to pass the time.  And then I bought The Host.  Yes, yes, I paid money for it!  But I didn’t know it was going to be so awful!  So I read it.  Well, I tried.  Now, I’m the girl who read the fourth Harry Potter book at the age of 12 in less than 24 hours, so I border on being an excellent and quick reader.  Reading The Host was like trekking through three-foot deep mud with cinderblocks tied to my feet.  It took me over 2 MONTHS to finish it.  It became a sort of torture.  I hate leaving books unfinished and I kept telling myself it’d get better, but it just went on and on and on and on.  And nothing happened.  Except some stuff about some people hiding in some desert mountain cave thing while the rest of the world suffered from some severe case of a silvery earwig epidemic.   Now, I’ve read boring books before.  The Prince and the Pauper was kinda boring.  But Mark Twain can write so beautifully, goddamnit!  Oh, and he didn’t write books that were 400 plus pages of utter bull crap.  Seriously nothing of interest happened in this book until maybe the last 40 pages.  Maybe if this were a 150 page book, I’d have enjoyed it.  Okay, well maybe I’d have been able to get through it in less than fortnight. 

“But it’s by Stephenie Meyer!”  Seriously if someone is using this as an excuse, I… I don’t even know what to say.  Except read above!  If you are looking forward to this movie because it’s by the Twilight bitch, then you seriously need to reevaluate your life and the direction you’re taking with it.  I thought that by now even “twihards” had agreed that Meyer is a terrible writer?  Guess not.  “Oh, but you’re just jealous!”  Damn straight!  How come I’m not famous yet?  I’ve been writing terrible crap for years! 

People Against the Unethical Treatment of Thesauruses

“The book was amazing!”  No.  No it wasn’t.  Again, the book was long, tedious, dull, bland, vanilla, generic, etc.  With no likeable characters (it’s called character development!) I honestly wanted the pacifist aliens to just bomb these people’s hidey hole.  Alas, that never happened.  Just like in Twilight, Meyer managed to write and publish a novel populated by two-dimensional characters that seriously stirred up zero emotion from me as a reader.  I mean the main character is technically an alien with no emotions.  Way to play to your strengths, Stephenie!  I read a comment on Amazon.com that says:  “Just like Twilight is a vampire story for people who don't like vampire stories, The Host is a sci-fi novel for people who don't like sci-fi.”  So basically what you’re saying is “Just like Twilight is a vampire novel who people who don’t like books, The Host is a novel for people who don’t like books.”  Deep stuff. 

So, this review is mostly about the book, but honestly don’t go making a movie over a book that can’t even stand on its own.  Without Twilight I seriously doubt this book would have made a cent.  Which raises another question:  How the hell did The Woman in Black become a movie?!  Anyways, I’m sure that The Host will be a much better movie than it was a book.  Because the movie will only last two hours.

It almost makes me want the apocalypse to hit in December.

            Fin.

Frakenweenie (2012)

I may be 72% adult, but 100% of me still loves animated children’s films.  Also, 94% of me loves Tim Burton, so there was a 97% chance of me going to see Frankenweenie in theatres.  Obviously with those odds I went and saw this movie, but not just in some every-man theatre, I watched Frankenweenie in IMAX 3D (overrated).  I remember seeing a preview for this over six months ago, and was immediately excited.  Tim Burton, stop motion, dogs, and classic horror movie throwbacks:  what more could a girl want?  I know Tim Burton can be a touchy subject for some film enthusiasts, particularly the pretentious self-indulgent ones.  However, the creator of films like Beetle Juice (1988), Sweeney Todd:  The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007), and Edward Scissor Hands (1990) is okay in my allegorical “book” and I will most likely be viewing anything he puts his name on.  Even if, like those pretentious self-indulgers, I am insanely jealous of his success as an auteur. 

                Frankenweenie follows the well-known construct of James Whale’s silent classic Frankenstein (1931), with elements of other early monster movies thrown in.  However, unlike Whale’s film, Frankenstein’s monster is young Victor’s dog Sparky, who meets his untimely end chasing a ball into the street.  Victor is traumatized after losing his best friend and uses his uncanny knowledge of science to bring Sparky back from the dead.  What follows is a fun a charming set of misadventures as Victor tries to keep Sparky under wraps.  Eventually Victor’s secret is uncovered, and he must join in with his classmates to save the town of New Holland from a slew of mutinous regenerated pets.  Think Pet Semetary meets Godzilla meets Creature from the Black Lagoon. 

                Overall, I felt as though Frankenweenie started out rather slowly.  I suppose this is fair, since introducing the characters and scenario is important, especially since this film is geared towards children who are most likely unfamiliar with the story.  About half-way through I felt the film picked up speed and became more original and entertaining.  I’m no softy, but for some reason animal films have a tendency to tear me up.  In Water for Elephants when the elephant gets beat?  I bawled.  Apparently animated animal films are no different.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve suffered the loss of a cherished pet, but watching Sparky die (again) was a tear-jerker.  I’ll admit it.  You kill an animal, I’m gonna cry.   Even one made out of clay. 

Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula.  Dracula (1931)

                My favorite aspect of this film was Burton’s homage to classic monster movies.  Victor Frankenstein = Henry Frankenstein; Edgar E. Gore = Igor; Mr. Rzykruski = Count Dracula (Bela Lugosi edition); Nassor = Frankenstein’s Monster (Boris Karloff edition); and Persephone = The Bride of Frakenstein (1935), just to name a few.  Godzilla the turtle version makes an appearance, as does the trademark windmill and The Mummy.  This makes the movie a fun seek-and-find for those familiar with these classic films. 

Mr. Rzykruski.  Frankenweenie (2012)

                Overall, I approve of Frankenweenie.  Although it’s not my favorite Burton film, it’s still fun, funny, cute, touching, and a work of art.  It’s an excellent film that adults and children can easily enjoy together, especially during this spooky month.

Fin.

Sinister (2012) *spoilers*

Bugs are delicious.  The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)

My adoration of horror began when I was quite young and I found the film E.T.:  The Extraterrestrial the most terrifying thing to be born into existence.  From there my tastes matured and I became an avid viewer of Are You Afraid of the Dark at the ripe age of seven.  My friend and I secretly rented Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer from our local convenience store and were subsequently grounded when my mother found out.  My slightly more grown-up self is no different.  I will view virtually every scary film to occupy theatres or inhabit my Netflix suggestions.  So, upon seeing the trailer for Scott Derrickson’s film Sinister, I was skeptically optimistic.  Although giggle-inducing on occasion, I enjoyed The Exorcism of Emily Rose well enough to buy the five-dollar bargain-bin DVD, so I hoped Sinister would be at least on par with that.

Now, as I mentioned, I love horror movies, although they often tend to disappoint me.  Insidious (2010) is a fine example of a film that was spooky and engrossing up until the last 20 minutes which I can sum up with a resounding “What the fuck?”  Or how about the Australian film Lake Mungo (2009)?  Talk about a waste of 87 minutes.  I’ve been more creeped out by episodes of “A Haunting.”  Sure it had its 60 seconds of spooky images, but that’s cumulative throughout the entire film.  But, that’s not what I’m here to discuss (thank goodness).  I’m here to talk about Sinister; a film which I’d describe as a satisfying and hair-raising horror which rises above its gory “vanilla” peers.

Shot composition like a boss. Sinister (2012)

To sum it up, Sinister is the tale of Ellison (Ethan Hawke), a true-crime writer struggling to reclaim his 15 minutes of fame, who after moving into a new home with his family finds reels of home videos depicting the gruesome murders of families.  Does Ellison turn these tapes into the cops?  God, no!  However, instead of throwing popcorn at our protagonist, we get it.  He wants to write a kick-ass book.  Doesn’t everyone?  So he keeps these films and reviews them over and over again.  These videos were incorporated into the overall film in a way that I found to be bordering on excellent.  The content of these films was disturbing, but the filmmakers did something I love:  they didn’t spoon-feed the audience the violence.  Subtlety in filmmaking is so often overlooked, especially in horror.  If a family gets mowed over with a lawnmower, we don’t need to SEE it.  If a family has their throats slit, seeing it reflected in Ellison’s glasses is a much more artistic and tasteful way of displaying something no one really wants to see.  Unless you’re f’ed in the head.  Speaking of f’ed up junk, how about that creepy-ass jack-o-lantern looking dude that Ellison finds lurking in the background of the clips?

I love the supernatural.  Hell, I love “Supernatural.”  So I’m all about a movie with a paranormal element.  Sinister includes this in a way that I think is great.  It’s there, it’s scary, and yet the film remains believable.  If the supernatural element had been stripped away, the film would still have been able to stand based on the fact that “that shit could happen!”  However, adding that little preternatural element leaves the audience with a comforting feeling of “oh, the Bughuul isn’t real so I can sleep easy at night.”  Wrong!  Kids can still kill people without the nurturing guidance of Mr. Boogie.  Eric Smith?  Joshua Phillips?  Mary Bell?  Or maybe those kids had Mr. Boogie’s hand on their shoulders as well?  The Bughuul may have simply been an occult-based construct of Mr. Derrickson, but in my opinion he does exist.  He is evil incarnate.  He is that intangible darkness that inexplicably dwells within certain individuals and drives them to do horrific and unforgivable things.  And that’s why I love Sinister.

Oh, God shallow-focus, what's back there?!  Sinister (2012)

Now, to the scare-factor.  Sinister, although it contained the generic “boo!” factor, as I’ll call it, did very well in creeping me out.  Not an easy task.  Ethan Hawke definitely contributed to this.  His deterioration into being totally freaked out by the stuff happening in his new house is totally believable.  I never got pissed at him or felt the need to yell at the screen because he was being an idiot.  He acted like a genuinely scared-shitless guy.  No unbelievable bravado or dismissal of the freaky events.  He wasn’t perfect, but was imperfect in human-like way.  In addition to Mr. Hawke, the cinematography was quite exceptional, especially when my expectations are so low for a horror flick.  The use of a shallow depth of field and hand-held camera were an excellent decision.  Normally I can’t stand handheld camera, because I prefer to not have to keep one eye closed to avoid a headache.  However, Sinister used the handheld in a way that contributed to the film.  More than once the character(s) was taking up a small portion of the frame with the background out of focus.  The handheld camera swayed in a way that made small portions of the background go in and out of frame.  The entire time, I was waiting for Mr. Boogie or some freaky-ass little kid to be out of focus and in frame on one of the sways.  It never happened, but it gave intensity to the film that wasn’t distracting.  Thank you filmmakers for showing that just because a film is a horror film, doesn’t mean attention shouldn’t be paid to cinematic technique.  Special effects only get you so far.

Overall, if you enjoy scary movies, pay money to watch Sinister.  I’m just so excited to have seen a horror flick in a theatre that didn't make me leave pissed off or confused.  So, although it may not be The Shining (1980), it’s definitely up there on some imaginary list of horror movies that pack a punch and are worth your time.

Fin.

Welcome!

Welcome!  You've somehow managed to stumble across the place where I've decided to record my thoughts, feelings, and rants about the films I watch.  My goal is to write mostly about films that are newly released, however, I will also write up reviews of older films I've seen for the first time recently.  If I happen to sound scholarly and reference certain theorists or movements, I apologize.  However, this will most likely be un-intellectual, since that tends to be more interesting and works better with my stream-of-consciousness style of writing. Unfortunately, I have learned some stuff in film school, so it's likely it may leak through on occasion. 

Anyways, welcome again, and hopefully my in-depth ramblings will not lead you to watch some piece of crap.